The Daily Stalker
by mandrakefunnyjuice
Summary: Going mad with power usually takes a lot of Time and TLC... but when presented with an item that grants Ultimate Power, madness can't resist the opportunity to leap forward.  Rated T because the game is.  Revamped.  Hiatus.


_**Edit 6/11: revised & republished **_

A/N: This is not crackfic or OOC, this is simply how I've chosen to write the story. When I write in third-person, I get a little… ridiculous, as you'll no doubt discover soon.

Disclaimer: I own everything between jack and shit. It's just me and my mary-jane, hanging out. Wait, you didn't hear that!

* * *

><p>"Hey, Genis."<p>

"What?"

"_SYKE!_ LOOSSEERR!"

Cackling.

"What the-? HEY! GET BACK HERE!"

The woods echoed as the sharp, cackling noises reverberated against the formerly peaceful trees, who, now having heard the second most annoying noise in all of their long lives, were now extremely angry. One tree was even transpirating he was so pissed. The trees soon realized, however, that they were totally incapable of motor movement. As they always had been for as long as they could remember. And that this day was no different from any of the others before it when they wished they were capable of motor movement and attempted to whack the source of a severely annoying noise out of existence. With that most depressing re-realization, they calmed down and went back to sleep and chose to ignore the second most annoying noise they had ever heard.

The first and foremost annoying noise that they had ever heard was this:

"LLOYD! GIVE IT BACK!"

It was the voice of the smallish child known as Genis Sage, whose whininess surpassed all others. On Hester's Whine Scale, which was a scale from one to ten with ten being the most humanly possibly whiny, Genis was an eleven. It only came to show how inhumanly annoying he really was. Ironically, Genis wasn't human, which might explain his inhuman-whininess on Hester's Whine Scale.

"Never! Ahahahaha!"

Once again, the second most annoying voice resounded. The trees decided that, right then, they wanted to die. But of course, there were no lumberjacks nearby to grant them that wish of uttermost angst; the nearest lumberjack was lying comfortably dead in a bed somewhere in Ozette, which wasn't even on their world. The trees, those poor, poor souls, had to live with the top two most annoying sounds known to treekind in all the years of treexistance. One particular tree woke up most irritated and tried, once again, to silence the two most annoying sounds it had ever heard in its treexistance, but only wound up depressed again because it couldn't move a twig. The tree, like all the others before it, just ignored the annoying noises and went back to sleep.

"Lloyd!" Genis panted as he finally caught up with the errant teen. Genis made a flying leap much akin to a spider monkey who has eaten hashish brownies with extra sugar, and tackled Lloyd to the ground, sending the object of the child's desire flying out of Lloyds hands while both of them fell to the ground with a face-hurting thud.

Lloyd groaned a bit and mumbled in minor agony while Genis rolled off in pain, scrambling to fetch the book that Lloyd had stolen. He snatched the thing before Lloyd's fingers steal it again and cradled it against his chest. He glared with undisguised fury at the red-clad twin-swordsman, who then attempted a sheepish expression but only succeeded in looking goatish.

"Lloyd, stoppit, you look stupid again," Genis suddenly grinned.

"Hey! I resent that!"

Genis made like a fly from the swatter while Lloyd, the furious swatter in this metaphor, chased and tackled him down surprisingly effectively for one who had just been tackled, and began to tickle the little non-human.

After the tickle-fest was over, they both sat down in the grass, Genis still clinging to his book, wondering what to do next.

"You…you didn't really read any, did you?" Genis asked, suddenly embarrassed.

"Tch," Lloyd grunted. "You know me better than that." Genis gave a sigh of relief. Lloyd grinned impudently. "I read the whole thing."

"LLOYD!"

"Ahahahaha!" Lloyd ran for it again, this time Genis being the chaser.

The trees groaned in anticipatory agony. The sounds had started again. As the two most annoying sounds known to treekind in the long millennia of treexistance started up once again, the trees in the surrounding woods died a bit inside.

Then, quite oddly, the sounds stopped. The trees sighed in relief, that is, if they could sigh. Which they couldn't. But that's not the real point – the point is that the trees were greatly relieved that the annoying cackling and screaming and whining had stopped, and they hoped to their very heartwood that it was altogether.

Genis looked around, very confused. The woods were suddenly deadly quiet, and Lloyd could no longer be seen nor heard. If only he would stay like this all the time, now that would be fantastic! Genis whistled cheerily and strolled forward through the underbrush, still clinging to his book, which was actually his diary. He suspected Lloyd had read it out loud to a bunch of people. Damn him. Lloyd would get what was coming to him, oh yes! Though exactly what he had coming, Genis wasn't sure. Maybe a rock, or a bunch of sharp sticks. Or perhaps a few fireballs, or some lightning. Nothing too serious that would, you know, prove fatal and get his Dwarven-foster dad mad at Genis. Getting Dirk mad was the last thing Genis wanted to voluntarily do. In fact, he didn't want to voluntarily do it at all. So scratch the voluntarily part and let's just say that Genis really didn't want Dirk to be mad at him. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Because when Dirk was mad, hammers had a tendency to hit skull instead of anvil, if you catch my drift.

Genis, who was now lost in thought, didn't notice the hole in the ground. That's why it caught him by surprise. It was a very sneaky hole. Genis' last thought before falling into the sneaky hole was 'dang, that hole was sneaky!' and then he blacked out.

Lloyd, meanwhile, cackled at Genis all-too-sudden plight, which sent the trees into fits again.

* * *

><p>Raine was a schoolteacher.<p>

She was also a bit of a sadist.

Don't say that last bit to her face; she might decide to bite your finger off. Just because she refuses to admit it, however, doesn't mean it isn't true.

So yes, she was a sadistic school teacher who invoked corporal punishment on her least favorite students. What teacher doesn't?

Word of advice, don't answer that question in front of her or you'll be missing more than just a finger.

She won't admit to a lot of things that are true, actually. Everyone was aware of that fact, especially her students and her little brother Genis. According to her, however, that didn't give anyone the right to mention those true but will-not-admit-to things to her face. Thank you for your time and consideration. Have a nice day, don't get eaten by a monster on your way out of my office.

With all of that in mind, let's look at Raine Sage on a lighter note. When she was in a chipper mood, she was very pleasant. When she was feeling funny, she was sarcastic and wry. A lot of people liked her.

That is a lie. But don't say that to her face either.

Ho, hum.

Let's start this over with so major rephrasing, shall we?

Raine Sage was a schoolteacher with a few nasty habits, but was otherwise pleasant when she wanted to be. Ten percent of fifty percent of Iselia's population would say that she was a calm, caring sort of person. Half of the rest of the town, who all had students in Raine's school, would say that she worked wonders on their children by turning them into disobedient rascals to sweet angels. Everybody else agreed whole-heartedly that she was an escapee from the resident mental facility and needed to return badly. This latter group of people was often the ones who started the mobs that were at Raine's door all the time, and they consisted of nearly all of her students, including her younger brother in disguise. Raine didn't know that it was her younger brother in the gorilla costume, but if she did, boy oh boy was that little kid in trouble. That's why Genis took measures to ensure that Raine didn't find out about all the things he really did, and when she did happen to find out, Genis blamed it on Lloyd because Lloyd was easy to blame things on.

See, the Genis-Lloyd friendship was a bit complicated. Genis blamed all of the stuff his sister caught him doing on Lloyd, because it usually was Lloyd's fault in the first place and he was always standing somewhere nearby in a suspicious location (Lloyd had a knack for being in the wrong places at the wrong times). As such, Lloyd was punished severely. While Lloyd was recovering from the said corporal punishment, Genis did Lloyd's homework and helped him pass Raine's class on the academic level. Behavioral level was clearly out of the question since Raine considered all of her students morons who needed to be educated the harsh way. In other words, nobody ever was ever considered on time, all of her students received tardies, and all of her students (yes, even Genis) got very low grades on their attendance. Lloyd didn't bother getting to class on time. Ever. It just wasn't worth it if he was going to get the same grade anyway regardless of whether he was on time or not.

But that's really beside the point. The point is Raine was a schoolteacher, and she was looking for two particular students. Lloyd and Genis were these students, and they were going to get a good licking when she found them for ditching class that day…even though class had been dismissed early because of a fire in the roof (that damn mob again!).

Raine considered abandoning her search several times. It really was hopeless. If Lloyd and Genis were hiding from her, there really was no way should could catch those two boys. If they'd just run off, though, she had a chance of taking them by surprise…and that was worth it, in the long run, because she loved popping up out of nowhere and beating the crap out of people!

Okay, so maybe she didn't. But she was PMS-ing and didn't like it when people ran away from her, and there was always suffering when that happened. Lots and lots of pain and suffering! LOTS!

"GENIS!" she screeched. "LLOYD!" She huffed indignantly at the lack of answers. She then started on a long list of expletives that are fully unrepeatable and likely unspellable. Most were made up, anyway. After she was done, she stomped back to her house and got a cup of tea. And then she started searching and screeching again. If only she knew how futile it was.

* * *

><p>Kratos Aurion was normally a very stoic, angst-prone sort of person. Even when he wasn't normal, which he frequently wasn't, he still managed to look moderately stoic and angst-ful. It's just something that comes with four thousand and something-odd years of life. He was currently being stoic and angsty while going to the bathroom, but since I'm sure we're all decent people, we'll leave him to his business and skip ahead to what he was doing next.<p>

He had a to-do list. It was a concept he'd first gathered from his now dead wife (yes, he was widower, even though he didn't like the term). She always used to nag him about chores and such, and he finally got tired of it and confessed that he just _wasn't capable of multitasking _on the level that she could(!). She then proceeded to tell him quite slowly and calmly that his primitive male mind needed to evolve and learn to do so anyway. After he swallowed his pride and tried but failed miserably to do this, she finally got around to nagging him in the habit of writing down what he was supposed to do in list format. And such was the to-do list habit born. Of course, now he didn't have to write it down – he could remember most of it now.

His mental to-do list today wasn't very big. It consisted only of running around on errands, which he really didn't mind doing as long as there weren't too many of them to do. Fortunately for him, he only had one big errand to run today, and that was buying groceries. He'd already run all the rest of the errands he was supposed to do today yesterday. Hooray for Kratos for thinking ahead.

The only problem with this errand was that it was too short. He went into town. He bought food. He came back and put the food away. And that was all.

Nothing else.

For the first time in _centuries_, Kratos Aurion was genuinely bored.

Damn.

Then a thought came to him. Where, oh where, was Lloyd? He checked the time. It was late. Lloyd was late. Lloyd was always late, but Kratos had a sixth sense when it came to his son, and his sixth sense was tingling profusely, which could only mean that something was very wrong.

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><p>Zelos Wilder was comfy, at the moment. His couch was unoccupied. Zelos was sitting in the new leather recliner he'd bought the other day. The couch felt a bit sad at this sudden occurrence, and then it began to panic. What if its owner no longer sat on it at all anymore? What if he preferred the new chair so much that he –God forbid – sold the couch? Or worse…demolished? It shuddered at the thought and decided to dwell on happier thoughts in greener pastures.<p>

Unaware of his couch's erratic mood swings, Zelos laid back and sighed contentedly. Yes. This piece of furniture was a good buy. Good buy indeed.

Then, quite suddenly, a skillet fell on his head.

Or rather he was whacked with a skillet that came down on his head, giving him the sensation that it had fallen, but it hadn't really. He was just whacked at an odd angle. The whacker in question remains yet to be seen.

"Zelos…" the whacker hissed menacingly as Zelos cowered on the floor, clutching his throbbing head and trying to see straight.

"Nnnuuuggghhhh…" he moaned.

The whacker dropped the skillet with a clang and stomped over to the in-pain Zelos, eyeing him distastefully. "Get up and heal yourself."

Zelos did just that and stared at the whacker with a mixture of surprise, anger, fear, and relief. But mostly fear. "Sh-Sheena! How, uh, nice of you to drop by and hit me with a metal…skillet…uh…"

"Oh, shut up, you stupid Chosen," Sheena Fujibayashi – the skillet-whacker – snarled. "You aren't pleased to see me any more than I am you. And you are going to GET IT for that last stunt you pulled!"

Zelos made a run for it. He didn't get very far.

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><p>Regal Bryant was bored. He went downstairs and got a cup of coffee by some sort of odd compulsion. Then he started to read a book, but after deciding that it wasn't very entertaining a book, he put it down and got a more entertaining one. What a remarkable day this is turning out to be, he thought sarcastically.<p>

* * *

><p>Presea stared blankly at the wall out of habit. She wasn't as bored as Regal, but it was getting close. Snapping herself out of her funk with a pinch on the arm, she went outside and looked for her Rheaird and decided to go somewhere. Maybe other places were more interesting. She thought a bit about where she wanted to go before she turned her Rheaird on, and then decided that Iselia was nice this time of year. So she kicked off and headed northeast in search of something to do that was more interesting than staring at her blank white wall.<p>

* * *

><p>"…nis…"<p>

"…enis…"

"…Genis…"

"GENIS!"

Genis awoke with a rude start. "Wha-? Huh? Who said penis?"

Lloyd snorted and plugged his nose in an attempt to not laugh. Genis, realizing what had happened, sat up and glared at Lloyd flushing several shades of rosy red. "That wasn't funny!" He yelled.

"Yes it was!" Lloyd squeaked through a plugged nose and finally gave up, unplugged his nose started laughing.

"Shut up, Lloyd!" Genis flushed.

Lloyd, after several minutes of Genis yelling at him and several more minutes of rolling on the ground laughing, shut up. "Okay, okay, whew, you're right, it wasn't that funny." Lloyd stared at Genis with a straight face for three seconds before laughing again. Genis gave up on yelling at Lloyd and stood up, determined to walk away and ignore the idiot who was laughing at him.

"W-wait! Genis! Stop!" Lloyd giggled a bit but stifled the urges to start laughing again. Genis stopped and glared indignantly at Lloyd.

"Are you done?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm done." Lloyd then remembered why he'd woken Genis up in the first place. "Hey, I found something in the woods."

"Oh really?" Genis murmured dryly. "Something you just happened to come across that was so cool and awesome that I just have to see it firsthand and you can't bring it to me because it's too heavy or too big?" He knew that Lloyd was lying and it was a prank. It wasn't hard to figure out. If only the little half-elf knew, oh, if only he knew.

Lloyd opened his mouth to confirm, but then shut it, realizing what Genis was thinking. "No, no, it's not like that, it's not a prank, I swear. Look, I have it with me." He started to pull something out of his pocket but then stuffed it back in on second thought. "But you have to promise you won't tell Raine about this, because she'll freak out and go crazy over it."

"Right," Genis sighed, deciding to just get the torture done and over with, "whatever. I solemnly swear that I will not tell Raine."

"And everyone else, too. Swear."

"Right. I swear to all of the above. Are we done yet? Can I go home now?"

"Why would you want to go home to your sister," Lloyd smirked, "when you can feast your eyes on THIS!" Lloyd held aloft what appeared to be a bundle of paper with print all over it.

"Lloyd…" Genis sighed plaintively, rubbing a throbbing vein in his forehead in irritation. "That's a newspaper."

"Yes it is!" Lloyd laughed happily. "But you see, it's not a normal newspaper. It's a magic one."

Genis stared at Lloyd helplessly. "Boy howdy, that's great. Lloyd, we're both WAY too old for this. Just cut the act and let's go home." A sudden thought came to Genis. "By the way…did you dig that hole or was it just a ditch that I fell into before?" He asked suspiciously.

Lloyd looked off to the left – a sure sign that he had dug it. Genis' eyes narrowed. "Nope, it was a ditch. But Genis, I'm not lying about this!" He held up the newspaper in front of Genis' face and whapped the kid on the nose with it. "This is seriously a magical newspaper."

"Right. Prove it. Hurry up, though, because I have lunch to eat, and then I'm going to have to kill you for stealing my diary and then reading it, and then leading me into that hole," the little half-elf growled.

Lloyd paid no heed. He opened the newspaper up and started to read from it. " 'Lloyd Irving and Genis Sage were running through the woods early today. Once Genis had lost sight of the swordsman, however, he began to jump with glee and started to hope that—'" Lloyd broke off, staring at Genis. "You didn't actually jump for glee that you'd lost sight of me…did you?"

Genis, who had already determined that Lloyd had set this whole thing up, shook his head. "No, I didn't jump for glee," he sighed.

"…Well, whatever." Lloyd continued reading. " 'Genis began to wander back to where he thought the village was when quite suddenly, a sneaky hole appeared out of nowhere and—'" Genis snatched the paper away.

"Lemme read that," he muttered. His eyes scanned left to right quickly as he began to read over what Lloyd had read and then some more. Genis' eyes widened as the article in the paper began to outline just exactly – and in detail – what Genis was thinking, what he was doing, and it even flashbacked to when the diary was stolen and why. It covered Genis' entire day so far, but then, quite suddenly, it broke off halfway through the sentence…'he began to read-'. Genis stopped reading and stared at Lloyd, thoroughly creeped out. "Has someone been stalking us or something or is this seriously your idea of a sick joke?"

Lloyd shook his head. "It's not me, I don't know what it is, but there's an article in section D that tells about my day, and there's articles about the others, too, in other sections. Presea, Zelos, Sheena, Regal, Raine, Kratos, it covers nearly everybody and it goes off into detail and stuff!"

Suddenly, the paper twitched in Genis' fingers as if it were alive. Genis looked back down to the paper, startled to see that the sentence that cut off started to continue. "'—he began to read and became increasingly suspicious that someone was stalking him, which was not the actual case. Lloyd began then to tell him about his discoveries of the articles of all their friends and how detailed they actually were (see the next ten pages) and-' Ten pages? Lloyd, there's ten pages of this stuff?"

"Yeah! Actually, there's even more. But it's awesome! It's narrating our life! Isn't that cool?" Lloyd was bouncing on the balls of his feet in excitement.

"Lloyd!" Genis pressed, holding up the creepy newspaper. "This thing is narrating our life! It's like some creepy stalker has been outlining our whole day, but it's the paper itself that's the stalker!" Genis' eyes widened as realization hit him. He dropped the paper, staring at the thing as the thought creeped into his mind. "Hey…Lloyd…" he said softly.

"What?" Lloyd carefully picked up the newspaper as if it were some holy relic.

"What if…what if we could edit it?"

Lloyd grinned. "That's what I was just about to tell you about."

"You mean…we can change what happened to us?" Genis uttered in awe.

"Not only that," Lloyd said quietly, as if he were sharing a great secret, "but we can make people do whatever we want, too."

"And you've…you've tried this?"

Lloyd laughed. "Yeah! I made Regal go downstairs and get a cup of coffee," he said and flipped through the paper, pointing out Regal's article. "I also created that hole and sort of made you fall in," he admitted guiltily. "I'm sorry. It was just too tempting, and I had to see if it actually worked since I couldn't, you know, see Regal get up and go get a cup of coffee. I had to see for myself if it would work."

Genis, still in a state of awe, shook his head softly. "No, no, it's okay," he almost whispered and carefully took the newspaper reverently out of Lloyd's hands. All reasonable thought exited the half-elf's mind at that moment. Any thought that regarded safety or the time-space continuum disappeared completely. Genis, you might say, went mad with power. He grinned wickedly. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Lloyd smiled mischievously. "I think I am."

"Hehehehehe…"

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><p>AN: That's right. A _magical newspaper. _And the people did weep exceedingly, for the sharks over which they once did leap were no more.

_**-MFJ has left the building.**_


End file.
